Managing Up and Across: The Hidden Cost of our Professional Masks
What it really means to be yourself at work (and how to pull it off)
In an executive meeting, I watched my colleague deliver a flawless presentation. His voice never wavered, his slides were impeccable, and his responses to tough questions were smooth and assured. By all appearances, he was the very picture of corporate success. Yet, as he sat down, I caught a fleeting glimpse of something else - a moment of profound weariness that vanished as quickly as it appeared.
This brief crack in the veneer struck me. How often do we witness - or ourselves present - these perfectly curated professional personas? We craft these personas carefully, honing them over years of navigating corporate cultures. We are the unflappable manager, the ever-enthusiastic team player, the ruthlessly efficient executor. We don these masks daily, seeing them as armor necessary for survival and success in the corporate battlefield.
Here is a radical idea: What if these masks, rather than propelling us forward, are actually anchors weighing us down? What if the energy expended in maintaining these facades is siphoning away the authenticity and connection that drive fulfillment in our work?
The Allure of the White Lie
Shane Parrish, a respected thinker on decision-making and mental models, offers an insight that cuts to the heart of our self-deception:
“We tell ourselves we don't speak the truth because we don't want to hurt others, but it's far more likely that we don't want to bear the consequences of our choices.
We tell a white lie to a friend that we're "busy" the night they ask us to do something when we don't feel like going. We don't tell our partner we're mentally and emotionally checked out of our marriage, not because it will hurt them, but because of the consequences of this choice. We don't flag the problem at work because we'll be tasked with the solution.
We're not protecting others. We're protecting ourselves.”
Viewed through this lens, the white lies we tell – the "I'm fine" when we're drowning in work, the "great idea" we utter to a superior even as we internally cringe – become the mortar with which we build walls of inauthenticity around ourselves.
This dynamic played out vividly in my own career when I had just started a new role as the Head of a Business Unit. Barely 60 days into the position, I was asked to address the company at the monthly all-hands meeting. Presenting a summary of the state of the business and my initial diagnostics was straightforward. The real challenge arose when I had to paint a vision for the future under my leadership.
I found myself caught between two conflicting realities. On one hand, there was what I knew from prior experience to be achievable, albeit as a stretch goal. On the other, there were the C-suite's expectations: a doubling of revenues every year for the next five years. I knew this to be wildly unrealistic given the current state of our product and investment levels.
Yet, I succumbed to the pressure and announced the C-suite's goal. I chose to wear the mask of the confident new leader, aligned with aggressive targets, rather than risk being perceived as a naysayer so early in my tenure. The cost of this mask was steep - the gnawing discomfort of committing to something I didn't believe in, the stress of knowing I'd set myself up for failure. But in that moment, the fear of challenging the C-suite without having built solid relationships or earned their trust felt even greater.
The repercussions of my decision echoed far beyond my personal discomfort. Like a stone thrown into a pond, the waves of this charade rippled outward, touching every corner of the organization. I couldn't help but wonder:
How many of my team members, hearing these impossible targets, felt a creeping dread rather than inspiration? Did they see a visionary leader, or a delusional newcomer who'd drunk too much corporate Kool-Aid? How many seasoned employees exchanged knowing glances, having seen this song and dance before, bracing themselves for another cycle of unrealistic expectations and inevitable disappointment?
What potential innovations were stifled, and what solutions and genuine breakthroughs were stillborn in the chasm between ambition and reality?
And perhaps most damaging of all: How much trust – that precious, fragile currency of leadership – had I squandered? In trying to project confidence and alignment, had I instead sowed the seeds of skepticism and disengagement?
The mask I donned that day wasn't just hiding my true thoughts; it cast a long shadow over the future. My experience underscores a crucial truth: the masks we wear in our professional lives, while seemingly protective, often come at a steep cost - not just to ourselves, but to our teams, our organizations, and the very goals we aim to achieve.
This example is only one thread in a vast tapestry of professional masquerades we each wear. As I reflected on this incident, I began to notice the myriad ways these masks manifest in the workplace, each with its own set of consequences and hidden costs.
The Masks We Wear
Our professional personas are not always as seemingly benign as the mask of the overly optimistic leader. Often, they manifest as more challenging characters – the perpetually angry manager, the ruthlessly competitive colleague, the aloof team member who never quite connects. At first glance, we might dismiss these difficult personalities as mere character flaws or bad behavior. But if we dare to look deeper, we often find that these too are masks, intricate shields protecting deep-seated insecurities or unacknowledged fears.
I'm reminded of a former manager, a man whose brusque manner and scathing comments made publicly had his reports walking on eggshells, afraid to share. His mask was one of intimidation, of unapproachable authority. It wasn't until a customer escalation forced us into close quarters for an extended period that cracks in his armor began to show. In unguarded moments, I caught glimpses of a man terrified of failure, haunted by imposter syndrome, using anger as a shield against his own perceived inadequacies. His brusqueness was a facade for his fears.
Understanding the nature of these masks – both our own and others' – is a crucial step towards developing true emotional intelligence in the workplace. It requires us to look beyond surface behaviors, to question our assumptions about others' motivations, and to cultivate a deeper empathy for the human struggles that often lie beneath professional veneers.
The Judgment Paradox
Perhaps one of the most insidious barriers to emotional intelligence in the workplace is our tendency to judge ourselves by our intentions while judging others solely by their actions. This cognitive bias, known as the fundamental attribution error, creates a chasm of misunderstanding between colleagues.
I witnessed this dynamic play out in a poignant way between two team members, Dan and Lydia (names changed, of course). Dan was a brilliant but often abrasive software engineer with a bad habit of dismissing others' ideas in meetings. He saw himself as helpfully cutting through nonsense to get to viable solutions. Lydia, a promising recent college graduate we had recently hired, saw his behavior as deliberately belittling and obstructionist.
The tension between them came to a head during a high-stakes project review when they were presenting to me. Dan, true to form, brusquely shot down several of Lydia's proposals. Lydia, her frustration finally boiling over, accused Dan of sabotaging her career. The resulting argument laid bare the gulf between intention and perception – Dan's shock at being seen as a bully, and Lydia's disbelief at his protestations of good intent.
This incident serves as a stark reminder of how our masks – in this case, Dan's mask of brutal efficiency and Lydia's mask of professional detachment – can collide in spectacular and damaging ways when we fail to bridge the empathy gap.
Unmasking: The Path to Authentic Emotional Intelligence
The journey towards true emotional intelligence in the workplace is, at its core, a process of unmasking – of ourselves and in our perceptions of others. It's a path fraught with vulnerability, discomfort, and the ever-present risk of misunderstanding. Yet, it's also a journey with big rewards.
This unmasking process requires 5 key steps:
Radical Self-Honesty: We must first confront our own masks, questioning our motivations for wearing them. Are we truly protecting others, or merely avoiding discomfort? This level of self-reflection can be unsettling, but it's the foundation of authentic interaction.
Cultivating Curiosity About Others: Instead of making snap judgments about difficult colleagues, we must nurture a genuine curiosity about what lies beneath their behaviors. This doesn't mean excusing poor conduct, but rather seeking to understand its roots.
Embracing Vulnerability: Creating a workplace culture where it's safe to be vulnerable – to admit mistakes, ask for help, or express uncertainty – is crucial. This starts with leadership modeling vulnerability and responding supportively when others show their true selves.
Practicing Empathetic Communication: We must learn to communicate difficult truths with both clarity and compassion. This involves not just choosing our words carefully, but also being attuned to the emotional undercurrents of our interactions. Assertive communication (as opposed to aggressive or passive communication) is key.
Continuous Reflection and Adjustment: Emotional intelligence is not a destination but an ongoing journey. Regular reflection on our interactions, our emotional responses, and the impact we have on others is essential for growth.
Applying this 5-step framework to the situation I faced as the new Head of Business Unit delivering an all hands address could have drastically changed the outcome.
First, practicing radical self-honesty would have meant acknowledging my discomfort with the unrealistic targets and my fear of challenging the C-suite so early in my tenure.
Second, cultivating curiosity about others would involve seeking to understand the C-suite's motivations behind setting such aggressive goals, perhaps through one-on-one conversations.
Third, embracing vulnerability would mean openly discussing the challenges I foresaw in meeting these targets during the all-hands meeting, demonstrating both confidence in my team and commitment to transparency.
Fourth, practicing empathetic communication would involve framing my concerns in terms of shared goals, articulating what we'd need to achieve significant growth while being realistic about our current capabilities. The communication would be grounded in data, expressing how I feel, coupled with a concise ask, while reinforcing the reward following the DEAR framework.
Finally, continuous reflection and adjustment would require regularly seeking feedback from my team and peers about the impact of my communication and decision-making. This approach would have allowed me to maintain my integrity, build trust with my team, and potentially guide the organization towards more achievable yet still ambitious objectives.
Conclusion
The masks we wear in our professional lives often protect us from short-term discomfort, but at what cost? By embracing radical self-honesty, curiosity, vulnerability, empathy, assertive communication, and continuous reflection, we can create workplaces where authenticity thrives and true emotional intelligence flourishes. The path to unmasking is challenging, but the rewards - stronger connections, increased innovation, and genuine fulfillment - are immeasurable.
What masks do you wear at work? How have they helped or hindered your career? Share your experiences and thoughts in the comments below, let’s start a discussion.